Somebody called the Burger King restaurant in Fargo, North Dakota last week, pretended to be a police officer, and convinced the manager to strip search a 17-year-old female employee... that's my story and I'm sticking to it...
Police in Leesburg, Virginia are pretty sure they have their man in a series of home robberies. They say suspect Michael Silver broke into a house, stole a diamond ring and some coins, then took a break to consult his psychic advisor. During a $250 phone call made from the crime scene, police say Silver gave the psychic his real name... I see you will make a new friend named Bubba...
Some brilliant police work has led to an arrest in a convenience store hold up in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Authorities say James Newsome walked into the store brandishing a pistol, and wearing an orange hardhat with "James Newsome" written on the front... it may be a little late for the hard hat, Jim...
Officials in Allen County, Indiana have passed a proposal to charge inmates for their time in the lockup. From now on, a stay in the county jail will cost you 30 bucks a night... we'll leave the light on for you...
Police in Greenville, South Carolina say their new signs warning motorists of "seat-belt safety checkpoints ahead" are working fine, even though there are no checkpoints at all... I feel so used...
Maryland police have gone Greenville one better, using a "look-alike cruiser" made of fiberglass to fool speeders into slowing down. This program is not working quite as well. Last week, somebody stole the fake car, and the dummy trooper behind the wheel... to Protect and Deceive...
A teenage driver in Jenks, Oklahoma is safe after being pulled over by an unmarked car with a red flashing light on the roof. The 16-year-old girl pulled over at first, but took off when she noticed the "officer" wasn't in uniform. Police say she "did the right thing..." remember, kids, never ever trust a policeman...
The Portland School District in Oregon has announced a plan to offer "snitch pay" to students who rat out their classmates. Rewards will range from 10 to 30 dollars for kids who turn in friends who are carrying guns and drugs on school grounds. Officials expect the program to work well, but at least one student described it as "a good way to get beat up..."
A gun vendor in Oklahoma has been arrested for selling X-rated video tapes from his booth at a gun show at the Tulsa Fairgrounds... guns don't kill people, pornography do...
Believers are flocking to a church in Wareham, Massachusetts, whereparishioners claim that the face of Jesus has appeared on a closet door. They say the image of the Savior is clearly visible in the wood grain after a recent staining... these people probably also believe the police are real...
A Lexington, Kentucky man may get three years in prison for cruelty to a cat. Police say the animal was beaten, doused with gasoline, set on fire and hung from a street sign. Steven Griffith told the judge he killed the cat as an "act of kindness..."
A seven-year-old Atlanta boy is doing fine after being dragged down the street by a car. Witnesses say the boy's aunt dropped him off at school, but failed to notice that his coat was caught in the car door...
The Naughty Professor: an associate dean at Louisiana State University has been asked to step down after a fellow professor filed sexual harassment charges. Professor Diane Piper claims that when she told Dr. Richard Nelson of her plans to seek a fellowship at another university, Nelson "pulled her over his knee, spanked her, and called her a bad, bad girl..."
A man in Port Orange, Florida is in custody this week for allegedly attacking his family with a butcher knife. Arthur Grabowska told police that he was distraught over his failing marriage, and went after his wife and two daughters with a meat cleaver because he "wanted to avoid a messy divorce..."
"This is a robb. Plouas put outut teller. No one will git hurt. Thank," read the note handed to a teller at the Washington Mutual Bank. When she couldn't decipher it, the would-be robber fled...bettr lukk nex tyme...
Police in Hialeah, Florida are looking for a smooth-talker who, claiming to be a bra and girdle salesman, convinced three different women to take off all their clothes so he could fit them with free underwear... this almost never works for me...
Grand Junction, Colorado police had no leads in the robbery of the Norwest Bank, until a dry cleaner found a note in a pair of pants reading, "Put the money in a bag and don't say a word or I will kill you..." like you actually have to write this down...
The state legislature in North Dakota has rejected a proposal to erect signs specifically warning motorists not to throw human waste onto the road side. Maintenance workers report at least 20 incidents of road crews being "sprayed with urine after rupturing urine-filled plastic bottles that became swollen in the hot sun." Opponents of the measure say they're afraid the signs would discourage tourism... I'll be changing MY vacation plans...
The Washington State Bar Association has asked the state Supreme Court to adopt a ruling prohibiting lawyers from having sex with their clients. There are currently more than 24,000 lawyers in the state...and we must stop them before they breed again...
Washington State Senator Pam Roach wants to make body piercing a crime for kids under 18. She says the state should protect children from bad decisions before they understand the consequences. The proposal would not prohibit piercing ear lobes... this just in: ear lobes no longer a part of the body...
In court to defend himself on charges of rape, Antonio Lozano turned down a plea bargain of 20 years. He then proceeded to tell the predominantly female jury and Judge Sharon McRae that "it's a man's world and I can do what I want." Lozano went on to justify his actions by saying "men rule and women drool." The jury gave him 45 years... and somehow, this strategy backfired...
A Connecticut man has filed a law suit against Starbucks, claiming he was hospitalized after swallowing glass shards in his frappuccino verte. Bernt Ullman says he overheard an employee say the blender "sounded rough." He's suing for 4 million dollars... in a glass? I thought you said extra glass...
More than 8000 spectators turned out for this year's annual Nude Night Surfing Competition at Australia's Bondi Beach. Freddie Graetsch was awarded the men's crown on the strength of his "imaginative maneuvers..." I especially liked how he waved to the crowd without using his hands...
Having trouble losing weight? Perhaps you're just not fidgeting enough. A new study at the Mayo Clinic found that little everyday movements, such as fidgeting and muscle contractions, burn as many calories as a five mile jog... coming soon to late-night TV: the Fidgetmaster 2000...
A Virginia policeman is on suspension after pepper-spraying an elderly woman in her car. Officer Russell Metcalf claims the 77-year-old resisted arrest when he tried to question her about a traffic violation. County officials, however, say that blasting pepper spray inside the elderly woman's parked car "may not have been the best way to handle the situation..." State Police State Police State Police State...
In our Giants of Science Department, researchers at Okayama University in Japan have announced that beer may prevent cancer. After studying 24 different beers from 11 countries, scientists report that one ingredient can counteract carcinogens found in cooked meat... after studying 24 different beers, I'm likely to report almost anything...
That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true...