Simply by watching the television, we ALL know the following:
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange
noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take
cover in a
passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach
up to armpit
level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside
her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there
is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect
hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can
travel to any
other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,
it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will
do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building
in
Paris.
11. People of TV never finish their drinks. [This is doubly
true in gangster
movies of the '30s - '50s. Just try playing the game of
drinking a shot of
Scotch every time a character gets a drink and having a cigarette
every
time a character lights one, using the Bogart/Bacall vehicles
"The Big
Sleep" or "To Have or Have Not" and see how violently sick you
get.
You see, they cheat!
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always black. [This conforms
to the TV Law of
Medium Authority Chromatic Consistency. The corollary
is that any cop
on the take is always white, and the Law of Associative Gender
Consistency ensures that somebody's partner is always a woman.
Go
figure.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet
as you take out a
note just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the
exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your
arm to grow 15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering
a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary
to visit a strip
club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for
their family
every morning, even though the husband and children never have
time
to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst
into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make
a man
invulnerable to bullets. [Cf. in Anime/Manga the most
invulnerable thing in
the universe is a pubescent girl in a short dress wearing white
panties.
Especially if she can sing, or has cat ears. True!
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room
the size of a
football stadium. [The Law of Inverse Effulgency]
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to
find him. Just relax
and
run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire
weapons at an
object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will
have lost this
technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright
and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every
few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of
killing them all
than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always
be closely
investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored
by
frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings
- especially if
any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating
accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked
out
their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of
facing the person
you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and
talk to their
backs.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your room will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark
at them. [Cats
actually know this too, but they are curious to see whether
you are
capable of picking this up on your own. This does not
apply to things of
a supernatural persuasion.]
36. Police departments give their officers personality
tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak
English to each
other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter
or criminal
damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal
gravity
system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will
coincide with a
thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines
in the
vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to
need
one. [A Japanese katana
is the implement of choice.]
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will
allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget
their son's eighth
birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
accordions can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices
with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the
building you are
visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of
bullets, just throw
the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended
from duty. [In fact, it is more of a requirement.
There is a hypothesis
that
no case can be solved by anyone who is NOT suspended.]
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you bump into
will know all the steps.
