Laywers
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the
same
service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck
in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't
figure out
which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked
lawyer?
Chelsea.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve
to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot
a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter.
(How cold was it?)
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande
from time to
time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered
for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him
down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite
cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's
head, and
said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or
I'll blow
your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated
the
Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish,
that the
loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he
say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get
lost, Gringo.
You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a
country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There
sat his
lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you
write when you
learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed
up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she
said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night
talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in
the family than a lawyer."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
